Q: My husband never feels ?in the mood.? Viagra wouldn?t work. It?s our situation that has caused my husband to have erectile dysfunction. He is an overachiever and for the first time in his life, he feels like he failed at something he set out to do?his manhood is broken and he feels responsible. We talk about it and he feels very guilty. He gets upset that he can?t be a ?complete? husband for me. He says he is just not interesting in having sex and gets stressed out about not being able to ?get in the mood.? Every other part of our marriage is strong and solid.
Why Aren?t You and Your Husband Having Sex?
A: This reader knows exactly why her husband isn?t interested in sex, which will help her and him reconnect physically. Fixing a sexless marriage is more difficult when men refuse to acknowledge there?s a problem or look at their own emotional states. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by many things, ranging from work stress to circulatory problems to emotional disconnection.
Here?s the rest of this reader?s comment:
?I had two rounds of IVF. My embryos didn?t implant. I was completely broken. To this day I can?t believe I can?t have a baby of my own. It?s been 2 years since our second set of embryos didn?t implant?.and it was also the last time my husband and I had sex. After a lot of grieving and feeling broken for a long time, I have eventually gone on with life. Now that I?m ready for life to go back to normal, my husband never feels like having sex. Any thoughts would be appreciated.?
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I can relate, because my husband and I couldn?t have kids either. When childlessness is caused by male infertility, a husband?s ego can be seriously bruised. This directly affects self-perception and libido. The reader had it exactly right when she said her husband perceives that his ?manhood is broken? ? and his feelings of guilt and responsibility are ruining his interest in physical intimacy.
How you fix a sexless marriage depends on your husband?s personality, energy level, and reasons for the erectile dysfunction. Different solutions will work for different men; hopefully, your husband is willing and able to try different routes until he finds what works for him (and you)!
Tips for Fixing a Sexless Marriage
Here are a few ideas to try:
- Find a male counselor who has experience with male infertility issues. Your husband needs to separate the inability to conceive from his manhood. He needs to see himself as whole, healthy, happy, and in control ? and a counselor can give him the objective perspective he needs.
- Research therapists who specialize in erectile dysfunction. I don?t know which area your husband should focus on (eg, coping with his feelings of powerlessness, increasing physical intimacy by dealing with erectile dysfunction, etc). Hopefully, your husband is willing to talk to someone about how to ?fix? a sexless marriage.
- Read Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex.
- Find support groups in your area, for infertility or sexual dysfunction. I know this is a long shot ? most men would never want to join a support group to talk about physical intimacy in marriage ? but it?s worth mentioning.
- Think about attending a marriage weekend. Many churches and other organizations offer fantastic workshops for married couples, and sex is almost always on the agenda.
Is your sex life affecting your communication? Read?Emotional Disconnection in Marriage ? How to Feel Less Alone.
And if your self-esteem is affected because your husband isn?t interested in sex, read How to Increase Your Sexual Confidence.
Writing is the best therapy - it brings insight and clarity. If you ask a question, I'll try to answer it (no guarantees, though!). The answer is in you.
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